January 08, 2010

What is this new normal?

I apologize now because this is going to get ugly but unless I spill these words they are just going to eat at what is left of who I am.
All I want to do is curl up in a ball and sob my eyes out.
Or lock myself in a closet and scream until my vocal cords burn and there is nothing left to say.
I don't want to be going thru this again, why did I have to go thru this at all?
I just want my baby back.
I want to wake up in the morning and not be greeted with thoughts of dead dreams. I don't want to think about the little one that I never got a chance to hold in my arms but for a moment I held in my hands in utter agony. knowing that this was the only time I would hold my precious little baby.
A baby I don't even have the chance to get to know.
It's just not fair and I am angry.
I want to stamp my feet and clench my hands into a fist.
Angry that my hormones are still all over the map.
Angry that instead of learning my beta hcg numbers weren't at zero but are at 82. This has been going on for so long now.
How long does it take to get back to "normal"
What ever that new normal is.
Angry that I have to have yet another "emergency" ultrasound.
How is it an emergency if I have to wait the entire weekend before I get a chance to even get in?
I wish with all my heart that the next ultrasound would be a joyous one and not one filled with heartache and pain.
The empty womb.
Angry that the people I love the most feel like they have to walk on egg shells around me when I "thought" that I was doing O.K. with all of this.
When will this be a bad dream instead of my new reality?
Livid that the "medical community" describes a miscarriage as "retaining product" you want product...go to the damn drug store and buy a bottle of hairspray. There's your product.
God where are you in all of this?
I can not go on and I can not stay where I am?
Please lift me out of this pit!

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