March 19, 2009

...a week ago today

my sweet little one slipped through my fingers.
Here long enough to find a place in my heart and become something so very precious and dear to me and in the blink of an was gone.
How do you go on after something like this?
How do you pick up the pieces after your life has been touched by a miscarriage.
Even the word makes my heart ache with a tender pain that I never ever wanted to experience.
I know that time heals all wounds but how long does this take?
The event of last week keep replaying over and over again like a bad record.
Was it only last Tuesday that I shared with Big Daddy that he was going to be a daddy again?
A suprise pregnancy to both of us but God knew.

Everything happened so fast that it went by in a blur..
I had one day to relax and enjoy the thoughts of being a mother again.
One day!
Then on Thursday I started spotting..which is quite normal for me so when it started it isn't a big deal. I had done this before and have gone to have 3 healthy babies.
For some strange reason this is something that my body just did with the other three so I wasn't too panicked and then something felt wrong..very wrong.
I have always been the type to want to know what is going on NOW so a quick phone call to my doctor and later that night I went in for a check up to see if baby was okay..I remember he called it a threatened miscarriage. I was given a 50/50chance so, he ordered an emergency ultrasound and blood work done two days apart to see what was going on and to check on the pregnancy.
Honestly, I felt pretty good about the whole thing..I was even experiencing morning sickness so I had believe that all was well and this was just a small bump in the road to having another little one in our home.

I had my blood drawn on Friday and then again on Sunday.
Then Monday the carpet was pulled out from underneath me with one phone call.
One horrible phone call from my family doctor with news of my results.
She said that my numbers on the 13th were 28 and they were 11 on the 15th.
Numbers that should have been well over 6000 by that stage in my pregnancy.
I had lost the baby at 6 weeks gestation.
I was encouraged to go ahead with my scheduled ultrasound the next day to confirm what I had feared so much.
An ultrasound I had no interest in going to but I knew that it was important to go.
I am so very thankful that my mom was able to take me to the appointment.
I am sure that I wouldn't have been able to drive there on my own.
The technician was kind and supportive.
She answered my questions even thought I am sure she wasn't supposed to share that kind of information with me. But at least I knew..the worst was over.

All I have left from this little one is a positive pregnancy test that I will keep tucked away until my heart is mended enough to throw it out.
It's hard to grieve when you have only known for a few short days but they tell me that this too is normal..that a loss is a loss no matter how far along you were.
That it's okay for me to cry one minute and be so very angry the next.
Thankfully I have my faith in God that will help me over this bump in the road and three youngsters & Big Daddy that loves me so very much.

I have to go and get another blood test done on Monday to make sure that my numbers are back to 0. But for now I am just trying to pick up the pieces.


Anonymous said...

Hey girl. I've been there a few times - 3 - two miscarriages and a tubal pregnancy. I know how you feel. I really do.


laur said...

Hey, just came across your blog through Optimistic Beauty. I am so very sorry for your loss, God needed an new angel, and you can rest assured he's taking good care of your baby.

Thoughts and prayers are with you.

Mazzy Blue Studios said...

So sorry for your loss...

I had a loss of my own as well...