January 26, 2010

I stayed...

"Sometimes faith is the absence of fear. Other times faith may be choosing to believe God even when your heart is melting with fear. Perhaps, then, faith is tested by what we do with fear, not whether or not we have it."

Found in "Breaking Free by Beth Moore".

By nature I like to think that I am gutsy and when things get hard I stand firm in what I believe and do what needs to be done regardless of how hard it might be at the time.
No regrets right?
At least that is what I would like for people to believe.
But, that's not the truth.
It's been something that God and I are working thru...leaning on Him when I am afraid or fearful instead of turning to myself.
I got my first big lesson this week and boy was it a doozy.
I have someone I want you to meet....
Actually there are three.
But for now we are going to focus on the big orange tabby.
My lovable Jinx.
The cat who I am convinced thought that he was a dog.
When he came into our lives (and stole our hearts) he was tiny enough that we could fit him into a Barbie car and could fit his whole upper body into his feeding dish to eat.
He loved to scamper up the screen window in hot pursuit of a bug and would gobble it down without a second glance.
Trust me.
He more than earned his name!!
There is so much I would love to share with you about him but that's something I will save for another day.
Where to start?
Saturday was supposed to be a good day.
A "date night" for me and Big Daddy and it turned from being a good day to a terrible horrible no good very bad day.
After yet another unsuccessful attempt to go and see the movie "Avatar" we settled on purchasing tickets to the movie for the next day and we grabbed a bag of popcorn for the road on the way to the fights.
We decided that instead of paying an outrageous amount of money for a drink we would swing by the house and fill up our water bottles instead so we did.
We were there around 4:30 (everything was fine) so we headed out to the fights.
literally a block away from where we were heading to Niffy Nunu calls to tell me that Jinx is in a LOT of pain.
My heart dropped and I started shaking....
She said that He was crying and panting and his tongue is hanging out of his mouth so without a second thought we turn around and head home.
When I come into the house she tell me that he has moved himself over by the litter box but now he can't walk and is dragging his legs so, I scooped him up and race him upstairs to put him in the loaned cat box so I can take him to the vets.
In true Jinx fashion he shared his displeasure with not only the car ride but being "trapped" in his box.
The rest pretty much was a blur but I was told that he had "thrown" a blood clot and that's why his legs weren't functioning and that he probably had "thrown" a blood clot to his lungs so they recommended that I put him to sleep.
Absolutely heart breaking.
I wanted to run and be anywhere but there...
Sitting back now I am more than glad that I didn't run.
That somehow I pulled it together enough to show him the love and friendship that he had unconditionally given to us while he was here.
I stayed with my friend and scratched his head and petted him well after he passed into Jesus's arms.
Was I afraid.
Heck yeah.
Of getting hurt.
Of the loss...of the heart break.
Of being so close to death.
But, I stayed.
Learned a lot about who I am and what I believe.
There was no way that I did that in my own strength...I leaned on Him and he gave me what I needed when I needed it.
Isn't he amazing....

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